Some of My Favorite Moments.....Lately!

I say "lately" because it seems like there have been so many great moments, that I can only imagine and pray that we will continue on this path of seeing the good, no, the great things about our lives.

Some things that have kept my heart afloat this week have been:

1. Watching Maryn develop such a giving heart. She easily wants to give things away to her friends at school. Now we just have to work on the sharing with her brother!
   
2. Passing the door to their bedroom last night, I heard Dylan start coughing. Maryn, not knowing I was there, said "Dylan, are you okay?"
   
3. Maryn saying to Dylan in the car: "I love you so much Dylan! I love you when you are bad, I love you when you are crying so loud it hurts my ears. I love you all the time. No matter what."
   
4. Listening to Maryn say her first prayer: "God, I love Dylan so much. He really loves to swim in the pool and that is great. Amen" She then said: "Dylan I prayed for you because I love you so much".
   
5. Hearing Dylan still say: "You are my buddy", "Always", "Forever and ever".
   
6. Both kids climbing in bed with us on Saturday mornings chattering away. Dylan playing with a toy and Maryn going on and on about how she is thinking of changing her block castles. She wants to change the tops, which currently include some fancy dress up items. She spends some time contemplating that while we snuggle. And Dylan spends his time making wonderful boy noises with his dinosaur.
   
7. Dylan falling asleep in our arms before bed. His days have been so long and full of adventure that he just conks out before we make it to bed, or as soon as his head hits the pillow.....just like Daddy!

One on One Time with Princess Maryn and Daddy

I've had to stay home with Maryn for 3 days - Friday, Monday and Tuesday. On Friday she was coughing and it sounded very much like croup, along with the wheezing that goes with it. Knowing that both her and Dylan had only had it a few weeks earlier, that's it's contagious and that they go to day care, we assumed it was just a little day care pinball going on. Took her to the doctor and she didn't find croup. Standard cough/cold diagnosis.

Saturday was fine, Sunday she starting running a fever, and Monday morning she was burning up. So back to the doctor we go where she was then diagnosed with strep throat. Doctor gave antibiotics and said to keep her home at least 24 hours since that's the highest time for contagion.

Luckily I work for a great company with great bosses and my job is one that can be done anywhere there's an internet connection, so I was able to stay home with her.

I could say that it was all wonderful, but truthfully its tough. You try to work and she's asking questions left and right (she IS 4 after all,) wanting you to look at this picture or that drawing, etc. Sometimes I'm trying to read, run a query, look at numbers and stats, or answer an email and the distractions are just plain annoying.

But, it was mostly wonderful. Really the only time I get to spend one on one time with the kids is when one of them is sick and has to stay home. This time, it was fun. She had strep, but she wasn't down for the count, so she was full of energy. On top of that, she's coming into her own as a little girl. She's sweet and really glows when you pay her a compliment about something she's drawn or colored. She beams. She tries to make you smile by being silly. Then she's senstive - you say something to her with the slightest, harsh tone, she falls to pieces and you're scooping her up (yes, encouraging the meltdowns, but how can you resist!) I really got a glimpse of her that I typically do not see in the business of life when her brother is there, demanding equal attention or putting on shows of his own.

Then we ran a few errands here and there during lunch - hair cuts, dropped mommy's van off at the shop, and stopped by Sam's Club. She's become the social butterfly at the pool or with the neighbors, yelling "HELLO" to anyone within eye sight. The weather is great, so with windows down, she's yelling at people at the gas station, as we pass them on the street, saying "Hi" to whomever will listen. One lady at the gas station her her yell "Hello" from the window and came over to greet her in return, saying that her simple "hello" made her whole day. Then I look at my beaming little girl and think, "Where the heck did she get that sweetness from, because ME, well I'm an ass! Must be her mommy, of course." Then I just shine with pride.

At the doctor's office, she listens to everything she's asked to do by the doctor with this innocent and genuine, pleasant smile. At the hair salon, she sits up tall and smiles with satisfaction at herself in the mirror as the stylist cuts her hair and tells her how pretty it is. Such a big girl. I find myself almost teary-eyed, and I can't take my eyes off of her.

She yaks at me from the back seat. She asks questions and I surprise myself when I have the patience to answer them with caution, care and truth (difficult questions over these past few days, too, like why there are bad people, what will we do in heaven, will you be there when I grow up and get married and will you drive me to my job when I'm all grown up.)

It's been a nice few days. I feel closer to her. I think she feels closer to me. I got to see the little individual that she is, rather than one half of the dynamic duo that is Maryn & Dylan.

I'm sad to see her go back, and yet relieved to get back to the routine. But I know I've got these memories for the rest of my life. And I thank God for showing me a little more than I have been seeing.

Tornado Alley!

This is what I am calling our new home and not because it is strewn with empty and bulging boxes around every corner, but because of an irresistibly cute little one we call Dylan.

The tides have changed, the wind is brutal, and our landscape has been altered. At times it feels you have been picked up and hurled, left broken and dazed on the floor wondering what the hell just happened.

I remember Maryn going through this kind of independent stage and it was just last year. Either it was not this intense or my memory is failing me. Dylan is intensely stubborn and hard-headed. He is trying so hard to express himself right now and his vision of this seems to not include listening at all. Rex and I have learned that it is a must with him to carefully guard the words that come flying out of your mouth. Maryn hardly ever pushed beyond the threat. It was enough for her. Plenty of times I can remember saying to Maryn, "you need to stop or we are going to pack up and go home". Nuff said. Dylan makes you prove it. Put your money where your mouth is mom! The three finger countdown is the climax and no one really knows what is around the corner. He does his best dusty duel stare down and waits for your move and you have no other choice but to carry it out. And whatever it is, you know it is going to be miserable....for everyone.

Rex had to carry out the "go straight to bed after bath" punishment the other night and came down after an hour of screaming looking as if he had been beaten. The great thing is I feel we have become a formed team in this, a united front like we have never needed to be before. We quietly offer each other the opportunity of a hand-off, pass of the baton I am done for.

And then there are times when you tell him to stop doing something and he tries to be clever and turn it into a joke just so he can continue the behavior. The other day, we asked the kids to stop using the word "hate" when talking about living things. It is perfectly okay to say I hate peas (non-living), but absolutely not okay to say I hate you (living). You get the idea. Dylan said hate to Maryn and it completely and dramatically devastated her. We told him to apologize to which he said, "sorry hate" and then giggled his little devilish giggle. "I said 'sorry hate', did you hear that".....sorry hate, sorry hate and on and on and on.

It is so amusing to me to watch Maryn turn into this perfect little angel during these episodes. You get these looks from her like, "man, can you believe he is acting so very terrible", "i could never even ever imagine doing that", "you must be really happy you have me"!

And then the thing that makes it all worthwhile: Dylan in my lap last night, grabbed my hand and put his foot in it. The feet I adore, the feet I hope would never ever change, the little chunky block feet that I could just eat up and says, "I love you mommy"!

Man, Oh Man......my Little Man!!!

I was really starting to think that part of Dylan's college expenses was going to include a monthly supply of pull-ups! I was pretty sure as the years went on that the designs would probably change.....maybe from Cars, to more mature Camo prints, and then maybe on to some designer trends like Calvin Klein once the ladies started to pay attention.

But, oh no......my baby is going to the potty!!!! I cannot be more excited about this. I have actually witnessed it with my own eyes!!! I was starting to think the teachers were just playing mean jokes on me or maybe that Dylan had perfected the simulation sounds of peeing in the potty, but I saw it happen!!!!

We are still in the beginning stages and I really don't know what to expect time wise, but I do know that Dylan is on the road to success.......HALLELUJAH!!!!!

Double Surgery and Lots of Prayer!

Tomorrow is the big day. Maryn and Dylan will be at the hospital at 6AM and Mommy and Daddy will be trying not to stress out! Dylan is getting a set of replacement tubes in his ears and Maryn is having her first set put in and her adenoids removed. You would think that since we were just going through this last year with Dylan that I might be a little calmer.....I am not. The whole anesthesia thing just terrifies me. I hate it when I have to be "put under", and I hate it 100 times more when it is my kids.

Last year I thank God that Rex was there because I did not feel like I could watch Dylan be "put under" so Daddy went. Now with both of them going for a procedure I feel like it would not be fair to Rex for him to go with both, but I am still terrified. I am just going to have to be strong and continue to remind myself that faith replaces fear. Have faith!!! My strong, wonderful, healthy children will be just fine! And I, well I will pray fervently to be much less neurotic.

On a lighter note, the kids just got back from their first weekend trip with daddy and had so much fun! I am so proud of Rex for taking on the 6 hour drive to Granny's house, the full care of the kids for an entire weekend, a 6 hour drive back home without once sounding like he was about to explode!!! Everything went so well, and calm. The kids swam and were geniunely great for Daddy and I am just so happy! Maybe I am just so happy from the blissful, and at times extremely boring, hours upon hours with myself.....but I think more of my happiness is that I could tell such a difference in them when they came home. I could see that there had been a connection, some memories, that I missed out on......and sometimes that is really okay, great even!

Update (7/12/07): Everyone is home and doing very well. The kids were amazing! They did not complain about being hungry, they were patient, they were just awesome. I feel extremely undeserving of them! Both procedures went great and within hours they were bouncing around the house as if nothing had happened and were well enough to go to school this morning. We ended up giving the kids the choice of who they wanted to go back with them, and in normal fashion: Dylan chose Daddy and Maryn chose Mommy. Girls gotta stick together is the current theme in Maryn's world. So, I am happy to say that I went, I was strong, and I held in all my tears and fears. I was so proud of my kids and a little proud of myself in knowing I can, in fact, handle the hard stuff! God Bless.....thanks for all the prayers!

Summer 2007 Portrait...

Beautiful!!!!

Past Due for Some Pictures...

...taken from phone camera:

While jumping in their inflatable "bouncy", static electricity got a little CRAZY:

Operation Super Panic On The Mend!

You know when I was pregnant with both of my children I prayed and prayed about their health and well-being. I felt blessed when they arrived perfectly beautiful and healthy. I spent time during my pregnancies wondering how I would handle having a handicapped child...if God had given me that type of strength. This may seem morbid to some, but I think it is a natural thought process for new moms. You have 9 long months to consider all the possibilites. The one steadfast thought is knowing without a doubt that your ability to love is strong and you just hope God will take care of the rest.

God did bless us with wonderfully healthy children and I think part of me has taken that for granted to some degree. Don't get me wrong, every single time I see my kids laugh, watch them run and jump, take part in their learning, and see them grow; I thank God for His hand in their lives.

Maryn began to constantly ask us to repeat ourselves. She began putting her hand to her ear and constantly said she could not hear us, the television, anything. Dad and I began to get concerned that there may be a problem. We went to the doctor and were told she had fluid behind her ears. Okay, no big deal. They said to come back in a month to check and see if her body would take care of it naturally. When we went back they told us her ears were clear, cleaned out some wax and performed a hearing test.....which she failed.....miserably. I am somewhat thankful that I was not there to see the worried look on the doctors face because hearing Rex's description of it scared me enough. She referred us to an ENT and we decided to take her to wonderful Dr. Robb, who did Dylan's tubes last year. We had a full week till her appointment.

I began to panic. I am, by nature, a worrier. I began to wonder about a life of sign language and disability, hearing aids and insensitive children. I was not scared of this being a part of my life as much as I was sad at the thought of Maryn never hearing my voice again. I put Maryn on our prayer chain and began to search people who know her for advice and reassurance. There is nothing better when you are going through these times than to have strong uplifting people in your life. Despite being blessed with these kinds of people, it was a very long week.

On Thursday my fears were put to rest and a new mission presented itself.....find a new pediatrician! The ENT said in exaggeration that there were 3 gallons of fluid behind Maryn's ears. He was stunned and unbelieving that it would not have been there just last week. He suggested that she get tubes and her adenoids taken out just as Dylan did. We both are so thankful for all the prayers sent her way and cannot wait for her to be over her surgery and hearing well. I look forward to hearing her say, "Mom, you're talking too loud"!

The Weird Things They Do!

Man, kids are really strange. It is this whole stage of experimentation that is so amusing, sometimes alarming, and at times irritating that make you sit and wonder about the types of children they are becoming. Really, all the things I have seen my kids do is nothing beyond what I have seen every other weird kid do, but these are mine! And I find myself teetering on saying something from time to time, or just pretending I didn't see it and either laugh quietly to myself or sit disgusted and worry about their future mental health!!! This is a bit extreme, but I am a mom and am due my fits of irrationality!

Maryn has become a constant nail biter. This does bug me and her daddy a bit, but it is not so much the nail biting as the fact that when you notice her doing it she will look at you and say, "I'm not biting my fingers". Or she will turn her head, which apparently makes her invisible in her mind, and continue on with her behavior. There are two issues to address here, or not. First, she has obviously lied about biting her fingers because I clearly saw her do it. So is this one of those "white lies" we ignore, or as I often do, we worry about future implications and much bigger, less pristine lies to come. Secondly, is her nature to hide and continue to do what I have asked her not to do. This prompts a quite lengthy dialogue with the wall that is my daughter. By the end I feel completely breathless and deflated.

I had to put Maryn in time-out last night, which bothers her less and less these days. I watched her from a nearby chair as she lifted each of her arms and starting at her wrist, she put her mouth on her arm and applied just enough pressure to see the mark, but not enough for it to hurt. She continues this all the way up her arm and then started on the next. What cracked me up about this is most often when she sees me watching her do these things, she kind of giggles and then stops. This time, she looked up and saw me watching her, and just kept right on going.

Dylan has become a nose picker. No mom really wants to have a nose picker, I do not think. But the reality is that most of us do. I currently count myself thankful, that among the mother's of the nose picking bunch, that Dylan takes his deposits to a tissue instead of the mouth, which quite frankly would make me vomit. The funny thing is, he knows to use a tissue, but he will only ask for one if he sees that you have noticed him picking his nose. As of the last month or so, it seems he has become obsessed with boogers. He is constantly asking for tissue, generally after his finger has made it into his nose, and will get up several times after being put to bed to get tissues. I have now resorted to just leaving a tissue in his bed with him, which for some may seem disgusting. A booger filled tissue floating around his bed all night, but the truth is there is hardly ever anything that comes out of his nose onto the tissue. I would spend time wondering where it does go, but I don't think I should.

I am getting to the end here and I am left wondering one thing: is it them that are weird, or more appropriately.....it's me!

Dylan and Potty Training

We are just now at the beginning stages of potty training for D. He is so funny... his idea of "sitting on the potty" is pulling his pants down, SOMEtimes pulling down his pull-up, sitting down for a millisecond - as long as it takes to flash a clever smile - and then he's done.

His teachers at daycare have said he's tinkled a couple of times, and he always seems proud of this. He seems, to me at least, to be more interested at school then at home. But he IS starting to be more interested than ever before. In part because big sister Maryn is such a pro.

Rachel sent me to Dollar Tree yesterday to get prizes for the Prize Box. It worked really well for Maryn. Dylan just has to grasp the fact that in order to receive, he must deposit. Just sitting doesn't cut it.

Last night right before bed he had (how do I put this delicately) a little piece of poo poo that he managed to squeeze out, but it was stuck between his big J.Lo cheeks. I ran him to the potty to attempt to go and get a prize. He was all for it, wanting to get his chances at the Prize Box. We sat and we sat - he pushed in a very inexperienced way... and before too long the little turd fell into the water. So poo poo in the potty - technically NO - but it was enough to make him think he did it, and he was very proud. He got his prize!

We took them to bed and not 5 minutes later he was walking down the hall butt-naked from the waste down, with his pajama pants in one hand, a pair of Spider-Man undies from his drawer, and his pull-up no where to be seen.

He was ready to put on his big boy undies now that he went potty (just like sis wears her big girl panties.) Rachel went and checked and he has put his pull-up in his drawer next to his big boy undies.

I was so scared he would be crushed when I explained that although he had gone to the potty, he still wasn't quite ready for the big boy undies. He took it rather well, and I promised that he could wear them when he came home from school. It was so funny (and heart-warming.)

We'll get there!

Birthday H-E-Double-Hockey-Sticks PLUS Easter

First, before I begin lamenting birthday cake, let me say:

HAPPY BIRTHDAY, MARYN!!!!
Hard to believe you're 4! (All Photos)

HAPPY EASTER, EVERYONE!!!
(All Photos)

Okay... on with the belly aching...

We had the kids' joint birthday party last weekend, between Dylan's actual birthday on March 28th and Maryn's on April 7th. On their actual birthdays, we typically do a small cake at home and a present, so each one has their own, special day. We did this for Dylan, including taking cupcakes to his daycare class at lunch. So, it was now Maryn's turn.

We decided to do her birthday on Friday, April 6th instead of Saturday, April 7th, so that we could do the cupcakes for her class, but also because Papa's 80th birthday party was on the 7th. Plus, Easter is on Sunday. So we just wanted her to have her own birthday DAY, and to separate things out.

I can tell you that as of this moment (5:36 PM on Easter Sunday) I could care less if I ever see another birthday cake. And our poor kids... I would like to say that they feel this way, too. But Maryn was proud to answer the doctor on their annual physical just 4 days ago when she asked what Maryn's favorite food was with "Cake!" Rachel and I just looked over at the Doctor like, "Duh, we're great parents!"

Cupcakes at lunch on Dylan's birthday, another slice that night; cake on their birthday party last Saturday; cupcakes at lunch on Maryn's birthday day on Friday, FOLLOWED by a bunch of Easter candy that same day that their day care teachers gave them, followed again that evening by another slice (as I write this I'm thinking, "How stupid/ abusive/ irresponsible/ fill-in-the-blank am I?"); then another slice of cake at Papa's birthday party yesterday, plus some Easter candy from their party at day care on Friday; and finally, Easter basket candy today. I want to puke, and I've only nibbled on a little here and there.

Some of our pictures accentuate the horror, even if its really just poor timing on the part of the picture taker...

Bye Bye Poppy!

Last night was Dylan's first night without his poppy! He never uses his poppy during the day and he naps at school without it. The only time, for a year now, that he has used it is when he goes to sleep at the end of the day. Although, it has been limited for quite a while, he was still very attached to it. He would wake up several times in the night to find it and still on some occasions would cry until Rex or I came in to find it for him.

He generally would hand it over to us for safe-keeping just before breakfast and would never miss a beat in asking for it just before bed. Needless to say, we were very worried how he would handle it.

We decided to do the same thing with Dylan that we did with Maryn since it worked so well. We got a little gift bag and for a couple days counted down with him how many more nights he had with poppy. On Friday morning, we loaded up all his poppy's and put them in the gift bag and took them to school to give to the babies in the infant room. He was so brave and happy to be of such service to the new little babies. That night, we could tell that he knew, but he asked anyway for his old friend. The silent tears starting rolling before the answer came. He knew what had to happen. It was time to be a big boy and he wasn't sure he wanted to do it. But he did it!!! He laid down with some tears, but went to sleep quickly. He came to our room for a snuggle around 3AM and when I took him back to bed, he didn't ask for it at all!!

YEAH! I am so happy and proud! Next to go.....Pull-Ups!!!!

Happy Birthday Maryn & Dylan!!!

See all photos here

We have been celebrating birthday non-stop this past week. We started out taking cupcakes to school for Dylan on Wednesday, which was so adorable. He was not too happy to find out he was not going to be going home and that mommy and daddy had to head back to work, but he genuinely enjoyed having cupcakes with all of his friends. We ended that day with a little mini-celebration at home and let him open one gift from us.

On Saturday, we had their joint party (Cowboy/Cowgirl theme) at Grandmama and Papa Bear's house. They got to ride around on the Papa Bear hay ride, chase the baby goats, dig in the hay for hidden prizes, and what seemed the best fun of all.....bobbing for apples.

We put gummy worms in two of the apples and whoever got those won $5, so everyone was really into it and got soaked. I was not at all expecting the little ones to even care about sticking their faces in cold water, but after they saw the big kids doing it they all got into it. It was truly a great day and I hope everyone had as much fun as I did!

Both of the kids got their first big kid bikes. Maryn is a pro on hers already. Dylan was much more interested at the party, and he made several attempts to "get it". However, he seems to have lost his will to keep trying and relents quickly back to his speedy tricycle.

It's all about the cornering with Dylan, if he can't take a corner at mock speed he will say it "needs batteries". This is what he says about everything that does not work to his highest of standards. Yesterday, he said our slow-to-move cat, Sammy, needed new batteries!



It is so hard to believe that my kids are 3 and 4 years old. Maryn has taken on this sweet, sweet personality. She loves to play pretend and is extremely imaginative and artistic. She is all about princess everything and is totally in love with the castle daddy built for her. She is so excited to have her party at school this Friday with her friends - and has clearly requested it be "princess"!

Happy Birthday!!!
M.A.D.L.Y

You Got a Problem, Partner?

You'd best be backin' off with that camera, da-hah!
We're the rootinest, tootinest hombres around these here parts!

Calamity and Cats!

So, it has finally happened. Maryn got her first major boo-boo. She was at school and according to the blood soaked clothes they handed me I was kinda thankful I missed the initial chaos. Does that make me a bad mommy? So, oddly enough Maryn had a clipboard dive into her face. There are two versions of this story. The school told me that it fell off of a counter and right onto Maryn's perfect little nose. Maryn's version is that Ms. Carolina threw it at her for no reason at all! Okay, her version is not so alarming, but she did say that it fell from Ms. Carolina's hand. She was very specific about this. So, the clipboard fell right on her nose and she ended up with a pretty decent gash that required 3 stitches and we are just going to do everything we can to prevent her from having a scar. Daddy ended up taking her to the Children's Hospital at Scottish Rite and after hearing about all the shots to the face, the desperately sad child, and the needle going at my daughter's head, the poor baby being wrapped from head to toe in a sheet to prevent her from moving, I was again thankful that I missed that. Again, does that make me a bad mommy? I was really prepared to take her, but Daddy does much better being in the action than on the sidelines waiting, so we switched and I believe it is probably best because I do think he handles those things much better than I do. Thank you, Daddy, for your calm nerves during crisis! Now we just have to work on your desperate need to go and pummel the teachers that are throwing clipboards at our daughter!!

On to the cats! Yes, we finally have a pet and it was not as easy as that let me just tell you. What it actually turned out to be was a lesson in sitting back and letting someone else make a call here and there. I had it all figured out. I researched, I typed, I analyzed, and I scrutinized. I made the perfect choice and the deal was done. We were the proud owners of two psychotic cats purchased straight from Craigs List. As the cats were hiding, climbing and peeing on stuff it became clear that the fit was in fact a little imperfect. After 1 1/2 days we decided to wave the white flag and send them home. Since the female had already become Maryn's very best friend, she was understandably upset.

So Rex spent the afternoon preparing for the big swaparoo. He went to the pound and found the ugliest cat I have ever seen and put him in our bathroom as we waited, anxiously waited, for the crazies to go home. Finally, our new cat made it out and has been a wonderful part of our family ever since. He, Sammy, is not nearly as ugly as my first impression. He is adorable, sweet, loves the kids, and has been sleeping in our bed from day one!

Froggies at the Table

Maryn is quite the artist. At almost 4 years old she has such an eye for detail, and she concentrates so much on her little strokes.

She drew this the other night and called it "Froggies at the Table". She said that froggies were sad because they had been bad and weren't going to get any cake. Clearly!!!

"The bidding will now start on this masterpiece by reknown artist, Maryn White, at $500,000... do I hear $510,000???"

Cheapest Indoor Entertainment...

The kids literally FLIP when we pull out the old inflatable air mattress. Check out the silent movie clips:

DSCN1260.MOV (32 MB)

DSCN1231.MOV (12 MB)

DSCN1228.MOV (5 MB)

The kids have a blast, AND, when strategically provided as a post-dinner / pre-bath activity, they go to bed and sleep great (which is nice for mommy and daddy)!!!!

If for some reason you can't see these, then perhaps you don't have Quicktime installed. If not, too bad for you. :)

Why? Oh, Why?

What I'm trying to say here is that I am a terrible mother. I am also a great mother: warm, creative, funny, doting. But today the great-mother part feels like a drop of pink dye in a cup of water, and the bad mother part is a big squirt of black, and once it's all black, the pink just seems kind of irrelevant. Every New Year's Eve, I resolve to be more patient. And then I blow it on the first day of the new year. Usually by noon. And it's so hard to describe, the effects of this impatience. It's subtle: I feel my face pull into criticism, my eyebrows sucked together into ruts of irritation; I hear my voice, the way I can speak mild words but in the harsh dialect of What's wrong with you?; I see, flitting across the children's eyes, the way I can make them feel ill at ease, here in their very own home, here in their very own skin. This is one of the worst feelings I know. ....I speak sharply to him; I speak mockingly of his "show and tell"; I speak as if he's a stranger we have caught in an act of vandalism. If you spoke to me this way, I would flee the room in tears and our friendship would never be mended. If my children spoke to each other this way, I would be outraged. If you spoke to my children this way, I would kill you.

The above is a clip from Catherine Newman's column. I had the fortune of reading this after a particularly crabby morning in which on the way to school, Maryn says to me: "Mom, are you having a good day or a bad day". I told her that as strange as it may seem, seeing as I just got out of bed that Mommy was having a grumpy morning. I asked her what she thought I should do about this. As it turns out, her remedy for the grumps is to scratch my head...one, two, three....and then all my fingers. This at least made me laugh and I apologized for my grumps just in time for Dylan to scream bloody murder about apparently nothing and then the feeling, the awful feeling I had been feeling all morning, came rushing back to me. As much as I hate these mornings, I find comfort when I hear similar experiences from other moms. It makes me a little more confident that I am not scarring my children for life.

It is especially daunting knowing that my children are entering the time in their lives where they will remember the things I say and do. If like Rex, they will remember far more than I expect. I took solace in the fact that when they were little, my harsh words or actions would be forgotten almost as quickly as it happened. Now I am waiting for the moment Maryn or Dylan says: "Mommy, remember that morning that you were oh so mean and grumpy?"

As always, I will strive to do better!

I Love You Everywhere!

We were on our way home from the mall the other day. In the back seat I catch the most endearing conversation...

We had just finished talking about how special it is to have a brother and a sister and how they have been given a gift to have each other and how they should always stand up for one another, protect and support each other. I leave it at that, trying to avoid my tendency to drill this into their heads. I then hear Maryn say, "Dylan, I love you everywhere. I love you at the mall, I love you at school, I love you at home, I love you in the kitchen, I love you everywhere". I look back to see that they are holding hands and Dylan has this warm smile on his face. So sweet!

He then instantly decided that he was in need of some privacy and every word Maryn uttered from that point forward was followed by Dylan's very familiar grunt and the word "pimamy". But Maryn was too far into her love mode to back out now. "Mom, I just love him....that's all", "Mommy, he won't hold my hand", "Mommy, he is my little brother....he has to hold my hand", "I never need privacy".

Irreplaceable Moments

There are moments in my life that have left irreplaceable marks on my soul. A lot of the times a memory will take over my mind because of a familiar smell or sight, but there are certain memories that just wash over me. The presence of them are so strong that I can instantly and only for a brief moment feel being in that time and place. Some of these special memories for me are the basics like first days of school, driving for the first time, going to the beach with my grandparents, getting married, and having my children.

When I lived in Philadelphia, my roommates and I would always go out to lunch after receiving our paychecks. It became a tradition and one I remember fondly. Being in that group, I always had a sincere feeling of protection and security. They had become my family at that moment of my life. When that memory rushes through me I can feel myself sitting on the deck of TGI Friday's, the warm sun washing over me. But I know that what makes it so extreme was the feeling of being carefree, not a worry in the world. As we grow into adults and especially parents, cares and worries become part of our make-up. I wish these kinds of memories for everyone, for my children, because once we become these beings that worry about what seems like everything, I don't imagine there is a way to go back to a life of being carefree or at least I haven't mastered it yet.

All of the "old people" I know ;) say that I am in the cupcake part of parenting. That I will find out sooner or later that it never gets easier. And as absurd as this sounds, I have to completely disagree with these people who have far more experience than I do. I do so with the complete knowlege that with each passing year my children will continue to transform into these perfect beings!! I mean seriously, how hard could it be to have children that actually get into their seats when you open the car door instead of bolting to the danger zone to "drive", pull down all the CD's, and spill mommy's drink while she is obviously preoccupied putting big sister into her 300-point harness around a winter jacket that seems to grow larger everyday. So much so that by the time spring finally and thankfully comes upon us it will be the size of Texas. Or really, how hard could it be to have children who's food actually ends up in their mouths and not in there hair or somehow down their shirts. Do I even need to talk about the nights of catching vomit in a bucket?

But, even if it is true, that it gets harder, I am going to continue to live my life of ignorant bliss. And now that we are officially incapable of having any more children, I am going to enjoy every second of this hectic crazy life all the while hoping and praying that each moment is making it's own irreplaceable mark on my soul.