To My Daughter, Maryn, on Her 5th Birthday

Has it really been 5 years? My sweet little girl is 5 years old?

I'm so happy and yet devastated at the same time. I love you so very much, and time is passing by so very fast, it seems!

You are such a big girl. You are so incredibly smart and creative. I've always known you were smart. People have always made comments about your intelligence since you were very small: you'd lay in your crib and amuse yourself rather than crying; you've always watched people very closely and quietly; you ask questions that are so surprising and "deep". But the creative side of you is still a recent thing, and it's so fun to watch. Your Granny is so creative, I'm somewhat creative (although it fades more and more from lack of practice), and your mommy is very creative, yet doesn't give herself much credit. Suffice it to say that you come by it honestly, and it's wonderful to see it. I hope we continue to support you in developing that part of you. I say "we", but I'm very thankful your mommy has taken the lead there (after all, I can't stand to see Play-Doh of various colors all glumped into one brown color!)

I had no idea what fatherhood would be like when you came into my life. I was in awe of you when you were born. You were mine. God had given you to your mommy and I, and I was certain of that. When we put you in the car to bring you home for the first time, I drove so slowly - every bump was a threat to your comfort and happiness! In every car was a driver who had no clue as to the precious cargo I was carrying and therefore had to be watched very carefully and avoided at all costs. If I could have called in a police escort to take you home, I would have!

As you have grown, I have realized just more and more the incredible responsibility I've been given. I realize just how much I can play a role in who you become one day. I realize how I treat you and how the relationship that I cultivate with you will have a bearing on every relationship you ever have, including that of your future husband. I also realize how much of a role I play even now in your confidence, self respect and most importantly, your ability to know, love and follow our Lord and Saviour. WOAH!!! Me, really?

I realized recently that I don't know any woman - any that I'm close to - who had a good relationship with their fathers growing up. That includes your mommy, your Aunts, your Granny... the list goes on. I was amazed by that realization, and saddened. Looking at them from that point of view, I can see where some of the trouble in their lives came from. That's not to say they wouldn't have had trouble - we all run into hardships in life. But there are certain things that I can see stemmed from the fact that they either didn't have a relationship with their fathers or didn't have a good one.

I pray that I do the best I can for you. That you always know I love you, and that you always know that I support you. I hope I never let you down in this way.

Princess Maryn, your laughter and your smile melts my heart. You have this genuine ability to smile so big and so true, and it's the most honest thing I've ever seen.

You catch me off guard with your insights - things you notice that I don't expect you to or that you've thought about and then formulated into questions that I wouldn't think you could have come up with on your own.

When we're in public, I beam with pride because you're so polite, so respectful and everyone always thinks you're so smart.

Today you're 5. I can't believe it. In the fall you'll start Kindergarten. I fear the days and years will just speed right by me at that point. I worry about people you'll meet in school, other friends you'll make, good attributes you'll pick up and bad. I shouldn't worry, right? But I do. You're my little girl, and you fill a place in my heart that no one but you can fill.

Maryn, I love you so very much. I hope you'll always call me, "Daddy" and I hope you'll always know how much I'm crazy about you. And I hope you'll forgive me in advance for being too overprotective, too judgemental of future friends, and too critical of future boyfriends. And at the end of the day, I hope you'll always know you can count on me, through thick and through thin.

Thank you for being the amazing little girl you are!

Love always and forever,
Daddy

To My Son, Dylan, on His 4th Birthday (Belated)

I hate that I'm writing this over a week after your birthday. I just got caught up with all the goings-on, work, etc. Better late than never, though...

What can I say about you, Dylan? It is simply amazing to me how much I love you. It is crazy how much your little face and your many silly expressions can light up my whole life.

I remember when you were born - I was beaming with pride. I couldn't believe that I had a son. And yet, I was so far from really understanding the full depth of what I would feel for you in time. I had no way of knowing just how much you would touch my life.

Perhaps this is nothing new - the feelings a father has for his son. I imagine that most men feel this way about their boys. Maybe no one talks about it, because I certainly had no clue of what I was in for.

When I was a boy, there was always something special about being with my dad. And I knew that it was special to him. Not because he did a lot of things with me and my brother, Howie. In truth, we didn't do that much. But I knew that Dad was happy when we were there, even if we were in the other room playing and he was watching TV. I knew that if we were riding together in his truck, he was beaming with pride. I just always knew that he cherished his sons - my brother and I.

My grandfather had died when Dad was just 17. Dad adored him, and growing up I could see where there was some connection there that I wasn't able to fully understand; somehow my dad felt closer to his father when he was with us (my brother and I.) Or maybe it was that he felt he was honoring him when we were together. In truth, I'm not sure what exactly it was; it could have been a complex combination of many feelings and emotions. But I'm certain that it was a God-given emotion, and that fatherhood is a God-given, joyous blessing.

Now that my father is gone, it amazes me just how much I do feel closer to him when you're around. I feel like I understand him more because I can relate to him more; things I saw in him, responses he had to things I did, both good and bad; his joy in our conversations and our times together; his struggles, too. I feel like I understand them because I experience them, as well, and therefore I feel close to him even though he's gone. And seeing you each day, my boy, is one of the biggest joys of my life because you convey so many things to me in your mere presence. Blessings, pride, joy, heritage, nostalgia, hope, bewilderment... the list goes on. All of those things and more you give to me.

You are such a sensitive soul, and I realize sometimes just how delicate it is when you do something and I react the wrong way. I have this immediate response sometimes, just as my father did, when you do something like spill a drink on me (this happened the other day.) I'm always acutely aware of what I must look like (because I know it's my dad made over) and yet have no control over it sometimes. My eyes get so big, and I get this angry look on my face like, "How dare you!" And what eats me up inside is that your little face immediately looks to mine to read the situation - to see whether I'm mad or not; whether you have a need to fear; whether it's "okay". And too often I have that bug-eyed, angry expression. As soon as you see it, your lip starts to quiver and you step back really quickly. You start to cry and I haven't said a word. And then I'm so ashamed.

You love hugs. You could hug all day, I think. And I love that. I come from a long line of huggers, and you my son will definitely be carrying on that trait as far as I can tell at this point. You love kisses, and you say, "I love you, Daddy" all the time, and yet still not enough for me. It's the best sound ever!

You're silly, you're goofy, you're sly, you're funny, you're sweet, and you've mastered all of these skills within the art of manipulation. You play me like a fiddle, sometimes. Sometimes I'm blind to it, and sometimes I let myself be played a little. You're just so hard to resist.

I love it when we're riding in my car and listening to "Rock-n-Roll"... you see if I'm going to bang my head or tap on the steering wheel, and then you do the same. I love it now that you like to wear hats... how silly that something like the two of us wearing ball caps makes me feel close to you. And how wonderful, too!

I have such hope for you in the future, but I also try to realize that only one thing really controls that: God. After that, I do have some control in the fact that it is my job and your mommy's job to raise you. That will have a bearing on the decisions you make in the future and the life that you will lead. I pray all the time that God gives us the wisdom and the heart to do our jobs in a way that is pleasing to Him. And I pray ultimately that God guides your steps and your heart.

No one on this planet can fill the spot that you've made in my heart... that's a place that is yours and yours alone. And I don't know what I ever did to deserve such a blessing from God. But I'm so very grateful.

You're 4 years old and the time is ticking by so fast. You're no longer my "baby boy", but rather my "little boy". I'm equally excited to see you grow up and sad that you're growing up.

I'm rambling on, I know. I'm still astonished at the emotions I have for you and around the mere idea of you. I'm not sure how I could ever put all of those feelings into words, so I won't try anymore here.

Suffice it to say that you, son, are loved by me, your proud father, more than you could ever, ever know. Happy Birthday (belated.) :)

All my love forever and ever,
Daddy

Conversation with Maryn & Dylan

I don't always get up on time. I am trying to be better at this because I know by putting myself in a situation to rush it is not only affecting me, but everyone else as well. Today was supposed to be a morning of utter change and positivity. I was to get up at 5am, go to the gym, have a perfectly prepared and organized morning. At 7:15, as I wiped the sleep from my eyes and nudged a sleepy daddy, I said to myself...."Let's try this again tomorrow shall we! No, no...I don't hate you....you tried your best.....really you did. I saw how you turned off all three alarm clocks you set! That was hard work!....Tomorrow I just know you will succeed! Chin up you rock star!"

I don't think many kids do well with a fast paced morning. Mine are no exception. Usually if I am in a hurry, I try to convince them that I am getting them dressed in their rooms because it is oh so cold downstairs and I just cannot bare the thought of presenting them to such an environment. As I am moving around their sleepy, ragdoll bodies their impression is that it is only out of pure love that I would put them through such torture. As I am doing this I also try to impress upon them how awesomely cool it would be to have our cold dry cereal in baggies and.......get this......actually EAT IT ON THE WAY TO SCHOOL!!!! I know.....I AM the best mom ever!!!

Maryn is what people have called "scary smart" and I totally believe she has caught on and is appeasing me by buying into everything I am saying. Dylan, not so much. He is not happy about this at all.

As I am trying to get him dressed, he is whining, pouting, and rolling around on his bed making it virtually impossible to help him with his pants. I decide to give up and go to the one that is patronizingly compliant which makes Dylan only more angry that I have left him and refuse to be a part of his "Check Out How Angry I Can Be" episode. I end up having to give him a pop on his bottom for an ugly attitude he is giving me, which makes Maryn start to cry a little. I explained to her and him that the way Dylan was acting was unacceptable and that it was his choice to change the behavior, the rest goes as follows:

Mommy: Dylan, you need to take a good look at yourself and the way you are acting and figure out how you should be acting so we can finish getting ready.

Dylan: "I CAN'T"

Mommy: Yes you can, and you will

Dylan: "I CAN'T"

Maryn: Mommy, I think he means he can't look at himself

Dylan: "I HAVE A HEAD"

Maryn: He means he can only see you on the outside...not the inside of his head...we can't really see our insides

True Love's Kiss....

The kids and I went to see the movie "Enchanted" tonight and I highly recommend it. Very cute movie with quite enough action for little boys too. On the way home, Maryn told me that Dylan (not her brother she kept reassuring me) was her True Love's Kiss. Dylan is one of her friends at school that she has already mentioned on occasion that she will marry. I asked her why she thought Dylan was her True Love's Kiss and she said because he had a nice toy room and a pretty house. Fair enough. She said she is going to tell him when she gets to school. Dylan chimes in that he really does not want to talk about this right now.

He then changes his mind and decides he wants to marry mommy!

Maryn was flabbergasted by this and said, "You can't marry mommy... her True Love's Kiss is daddy! Rex Leamon White the 3rd!"

She goes on to tell me that she is going to be a farmer and that she hopes Dylan likes this idea. She asks me what cows eat. I tell her grass. She likes this because she knows she does not have to supply the grass so that seems easy enough. Then she remembers that horses eat hay, and this seems doable. She gets very excited when she remembers that Dylan (not her brother she reminds me again) likes pigs! She asks me if I will drive her and Dylan to find her house with the pigs. I agree to this and she says she will tell me when she sees the best one. Then she decides it will be Granny's house.....not the new one she says but the old one. She is very pleased with this and we begin to discuss chickens and their basic needs. She is worried that she will not be able to tell the right time to take the eggs before they become baby chickens and asks if I will live there and help (like I know anything about chickens!!) and of course I agree. Dylan then decides that he will marry Emely (a schoolmate and neighbor) and is very happy with this decision and Maryn invites them to live in her house of pigs with the rest of us.

And we all lived happily ever after!!!

Maryn Said...

Last night when we were putting the kids to bed the following conversation took place:

Maryn: "Could you sing me a bedtime song."
Dad: "Sure."
Maryn: "Maybe 'Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star' or 'Who let the dogs out?'"

Rex and I just cracked up and could not help ourselves but to oblige this very strange request ('Who let the dogs out?' of course!)

Oh Yeah.....

I forgot to mention that we got snow this year......YEAH!!! It was so much fun playing and watching the kids!

Our little snow-woman

What's left of our little snow-woman 3 days later

And we also got a new kitty. We have had some bad luck with pets so far. Our last little kitty, Sammy, ran away. We just could not keep him inside. It became clear that he had an outdoor background. I found our new kitty on Craigslist and he was old enough to be able to find out enough about his background to realize he would be perfect for us. The kids named him, Cody Parker: part surfing penguin and part Spiderman. He has the greatest personality and does not hide when people come to visit which I love. He is the biggest snuggle bug!

Next step will be a doggie, but I want to make sure I am home more before we take that step.

So Thankful!

Rex and I just got back from our annual marriage retreat and it was so amazing! Nothing makes you appreciate your family and your life as much as spending a weekend focused on God's amazing power. We had the opportunity to hear so many stories that make you so thankful for your life and the things you have been blessed with that often go unnoticed or fall out of focus. The weekend was centered around forgiveness. Although it is a marriage retreat, many of the stories focused on forgiving someone on the outskirts of the marriage. Many of them were about fathers. Listening to some of the tragic and powerful messages was so overwhelming and the realization that we have such an opportunity to screw things up with our children if our sight falls away from God. I have an ability to put so many things first in my life and often realize that God is falling down the ladder in my thoughts and my daily attitudes. Having weekends like this helps me remember to strive each day with my eyes on Him.

On this weekend away, Maryn and Dylan spent the weekend with Papa Bear and Grandmama. It is such an amazing blessing to see them smiling from ear to ear as you leave because you know they are safe, happy, and well taken care of. What is even better is coming back and seeing that they are still smiling from ear to ear after having such a great weekend. Maryn was so happy to have gotten to see Payton while they were at Britni's beauty pageant. And Dylan walked in the door, filthy from head to toe and pee all over his pants (which only happens once in a blue moon when he is having too much fun to stop and go). Papa Bear had taken all the kids fishing and I see them come in and I know...these are the moments. The ones they will never forget. I found out that Papa Bear had to give Dylan a spanking while they were fishing because he was slinging his rod around and not listening. I asked him if a Papa Bear spanking hurt and he assured me he did not want another one. It reminded me of a time when my Papa had to give me a spanking for being too loud. It devastated me and I never forgot it. I think it was the only one he ever had to give me.

I just feel so blessed. I know I will never be a perfect mom or a perfect wife, but I have come away from this weekend knowing beyond all that with God first everything else will fall into place. So with my eyes to Him I want to continue into this new year with a brighter frame of mind. One not so obsessed with what I do not have. I pray to remember to seek Him for guidance in becoming the wife and mother that he meant me to be.

Other News:

The kids second swim class is this weekend. The first started off great but by the end Maryn was "frustrated" and didn't ever want to go back. I am hoping after this class she will warm up to it a little more. Dylan loved it and was a great listener, just going along doing what he was told. Maybe all that practice of taking Maryn's orders have paid off! It is in these times that you notice the differences in them. Maryn is so analytical and wants to understand the big picture of it all before she begins, Dylan just jumps in head first and waits for the first order of business and gets to it.

Maryn's Kindergarten interview at Cherokee Christian is tomorrow. More to come...

Happy Valentines Day!

It's Beginning To Look A Lot Like........Normal!!!

Generally when the word "normal" is used to describe our family (or probably most people's families) it is followed by a muffled chuckle and a roll of the eyes. But here we are, it's 2008 and the holidays have passed us by once more.

We had an amazing holiday this year. We didn't go overboard (like we have a choice), we didn't increase our debts.....AT ALL, and the kids were so awesome. We had a really amazing time spending the night at Papa Bear and Grandmama's house. If it weren't for the darn roosters, I might say we would do it again soon. It is so much fun watching my kids and their cousins have the time to bond and be silly. And I had just as much fun staying up late with everyone and just relaxing and chatting.

And what could be more fun than Christmas morning! It started out with great excitement as my clumsy butt fell right down the stairs in my rush to beat everyone to get that magical morning picture, but only managed to terrify the kids who just cried thinking I must have died. Once we were safely on ground level, the festivites began. Each present was met with, "he really did know!" and just pure amazement.


This year I struggled a little bit with the idea of Santa. Don't get me wrong.....I LOVE the idea of Santa. But I think I failed a bit this year in expressing the true magic of Christmas which should be celebrated as the birth of Jesus Christ. Of course, we mentioned it. The kids know. But I somehow failed to give it the attention and time it really deserved. It is so easy for me to allow myself and the kids to get caught up in the ribbons and bows, lights and music, Baileys and Coffee. Rex and I have different histories in regards to the Santa experience. I found out about Santa at a young age (maybe 6), Rex was about 30. Just kidding!! He was maybe 12. The fantasy of Santa is HUGE for him and he wants it to last as long as possible. I am not real sure just yet. I think next year we will have to think a little more and make a little more effort to incorporate Jesus into our holidays and the spirit of giving that it represents without becoming Scrooges of course. This year I made the mistake of using Santa as a means of doing what I say. If Santa really can be looked at as someone who encapsulates the spirit of Jesus, then doing this sends a very wrong message. Do I use Jesus to get my kids to eat their green beans or stop whining? Of course not. As is the case with Jesus, our love for him leads us to want to please him and obey his word. At the same time, our love for this jolly man named Santa, should also lead us to do the same. Not for fear of a stocking full of coal. In that lesson you lose the most powerful message of grace and forgiveness.

I didn't really mean to go on and on about that! I am really looking forward to what this year has to offer. Maryn will be starting Kindergarten in '08! It is hard to imagine. Incidentally, she rolled her eyes at something daddy said this morning. Here we go!!! Dylan is doing so great! He begins speech therapy next week and is looking forward to pre-K so he can be big and go on field trips like his sister. He is the sweetest thing! He has his dad's love language of touch. It doesn't matter what he is doing, he will find some way to touch you. I love that. He holds my hand when we sit together, hugs my leg when we are standing somewhere. I generally have to wiggle my fingers away from him if I am trying to do something. I usually don't want to because there is such a sweetness in the feel of your babies holding on to you, but if I didn't he would be attached to me 24/7.

Anyway, I hope and pray for a happy and healthy 2008 for all of us!

Photos From Trip to Disney World

We took the kids to Disney World (first time). My (Rex's) best friend, Mike, and his son, Dominic, had a nice place to stay and invited us down, so we took advantage of the free lodging!

The kids had a blast... it was a quick trip - 2 days at Disney - but was well worth the trip!

On the "train" from the parking lot to the monorail!

We're really here!!!

Cruising on the Disney World Monorail!

Christmas tree on Main Street

Cinderella's Castle!

Mickey leading the parade

A little ice cream

Dylan tried his best to crawl inside mommy when he saw Captain Hook
Maryn was so excited when she saw Cinderella. She stared up at her and waved
and covered her mouth in excitement!

Grumpy... Daddy's mascot!

Meeting Mickey for the first time!

Mike and Dominic

Maryn meets Cinderella... this was the highlight of the trip!

Sleeping Beauty - Princess Aurora

Beauty and the Beast - Belle... Maryn shows Belle her
charm bracelet.

Mike at Margaritaville at Universal City Walk.

Little Parrothead

Little Grinch's

Surf's up, dude!

Daddy and Uncle Mike

Fun in Gatlinburg, TN

We went to stay a night in Gatlinburg to ride the Trolley and see their Christmas lights. Their Christmas lights were pretty much unimpressive for the hype... Maryn was asking to get off the "bus" just 15 minutes into the hour ride.

We at least has fun earlier in the day riding the tram to Ober Gatlinburg. Then once we were there, we rode the ski lift to the very top and then again to ride the alpine slide. The kids enjoyed that, although riding the ski lift with a 3 and 4 year old was pretty frightening at first. But they sat still and didn't really move... and even if they wanted to, the kung fu grip and of Mommy and Daddy's hands would have saved them from certain peril!

Holiday High!

My holiday high is kicking in full gear. My head is swimming. I feel all giddy inside. I am in my nothing-can-bring-me-down state of mind! I truly can not believe it is here again! The holidays can be so hectic with small babies. Shuttling them here and there. Carting all of there not-so-essential-but-don't-you-dare-say-I-don't-need-them items around. Watching their every move. Making sure they don't crack their heads on relatives fragile items or trying to keep their tongues off the floor, their little fingers out of every one's food and so on and so on. This year, there is a little more freedom. A little more time to soak in the bliss of it all. A little more time for relaxation and conversation and less of the distracted: "I'm sorry...what were you saying."

My purpose here is less to gush and more to come up to date on some things that have happened in the last couple months:

• Dylan is doing GREAT on the potty since my last post on this issue. He is still having some accidents here and there, but overall has been amazing! We are now, after 4 great years, completely diaper and pull-up free in our house.
• Trick-or-treating was a riot! After the witch incident at Cagle's Dairy, Dylan refused to have anything to do with it. As soon as he hit the driveway and saw all the creepy images roaming the streets he freaked! I went back inside with him, started a movie, and gave him a blanket for protection. Every time someone came to the door he made a quick dive underneath! Good thing for sweet big sisters. Maryn came home and gave half her candy to her little brother. She said to me later that night: "You don't have to walk to the door with me next time. I'm not afraid anymore."
• We have recently toured a kindergarten that we are really hoping Maryn will go to. It was so bittersweet watching her walk around this huge new place. Am I ready for this? I guess I don't have a choice...right?
• Maryn and Dylan have been practicing guitar. Singing their own original lyrics every night after bath. Totally awesome! I vow to get this on video! Maryn accompanies Dylan's music with her version of the Super Star dance from Saturday Night Live. She is starting to carry her vocals a little longer too which is so sweet and Dylan's rhythm is really amazing.

Now the holidays are on us and we have so much going on, but I would not have it any other way. I am excited to spend time with family and friends and watch the kids soak up time with them that seems so rare sometimes. We will be doing the Stone Mountain Christmas for the first time this year, spending a night in Gatlinburg to see the lights. And, of course, the kids most favorite things are decorating the house, driving the neighborhoods to see all the decorations, and curling up with hot chocolate and watching Polar Express......EVERY NIGHT!!! I LOVE IT!!!

By the way, here are some belated Halloween photos:

Superheros!

Maryn: Dad, you ARE going to carry this, aren't you?!!!
Connor: What? No slackers on my watch!

Maryn: I'm just KIDDING!

Dylan sees ghosts and goblins through the door. He decides not to go trick or treating!

I'm ready to go now!

Grandmama leads them to their first house of the night

Candy corn! We don't want no stinking candy corn! Where's the Snickers?

Not too bad, Dad!

I'm so sad that my brother didn't want to come!