What can I say about you, Dylan? It is simply amazing to me how much I love you. It is crazy how much your little face and your many silly expressions can light up my whole life.I remember when you were born - I was beaming with pride. I couldn't believe that I had a son. And yet, I was so far from really understanding the full depth of what I would feel for you in time. I had no way of knowing just how much you would touch my life.
Perhaps this is nothing new - the feelings a father has for his son. I imagine that most men feel this way about their boys. Maybe no one talks about it, because I certainly had no clue of what I was in for.
When I was a boy, there was always something special about being with my dad. And I knew that it was special to him. Not because he did a lot of things with me and my brother, Howie. In truth, we didn't do that much. But I knew that Dad was happy when we were there, even if we were in the other room playing and he was watching TV. I knew that if we were riding together in his truck, he was beaming with pride. I just always knew that he cherished his sons - my brother and I.
My grandfather had died when Dad was just 17. Dad adored him, and growing up I could see where there was some connection there that I wasn't able to fully understand; somehow my dad felt closer to his father when he was with us (my brother and I.) Or maybe it was that he felt he was honoring him when we were together. In truth, I'm not sure what exactly it was; it could have been a complex combination of many feelings and emotions. But I'm certain that it was a God-given emotion, and that fatherhood is a God-given, joyous blessing.
Now that my father is gone, it amazes me just how much I do feel closer to him when you're around. I feel like I understand him more because I can relate to him more; things I saw in him, responses he had to things I did, both good and bad; his joy in our conversations and our times together; his struggles, too. I feel like I understand them because I experience them, as well, and therefore I feel close to him even though he's gone. And seeing you each day, my boy, is one of the biggest joys of my life because you convey so many things to me in your mere presence. Blessings, pride, joy, heritage, nostalgia, hope, bewilderment... the list goes on. All of those things and more you give to me.
You are such a sensitive soul, and I realize sometimes just how delicate it is when you do something and I react the wrong way. I have this immediate response sometimes, just as my father did, when you do something like spill a drink on me (this happened the other day.) I'm always acutely aware of what I must look like (because I know it's my dad made over) and yet have no control over it sometimes. My eyes get so big, and I get this angry look on my face like, "How dare you!" And what eats me up inside is that your little face immediately looks to mine to read the situation - to see whether I'm mad or not; whether you have a need to fear; whether it's "okay". And too often I have that bug-eyed, angry expression. As soon as you see it, your lip starts to quiver and you step back really quickly. You start to cry and I haven't said a word. And then I'm so ashamed.
You love hugs. You could hug all day, I think. And I love that. I come from a long line of huggers, and you my son will definitely be carrying on that trait as far as I can tell at this point. You love kisses, and you say, "I love you, Daddy" all the time, and yet still not enough for me. It's the best sound ever!
You're silly, you're goofy, you're sly, you're funny, you're sweet, and you've mastered all of these skills within the art of manipulation. You play me like a fiddle, sometimes. Sometimes I'm blind to it, and sometimes I let myself be played a little. You're just so hard to resist.
I love it when we're riding in my car and listening to "Rock-n-Roll"... you see if I'm going to bang my head or tap on the steering wheel, and then you do the same. I love it now that you like to wear hats... how silly that something like the two of us wearing ball caps makes me feel close to you. And how wonderful, too!
I have such hope for you in the future, but I also try to realize that only one thing really controls that: God. After that, I do have some control in the fact that it is my job and your mommy's job to raise you. That will have a bearing on the decisions you make in the future and the life that you will lead. I pray all the time that God gives us the wisdom and the heart to do our jobs in a way that is pleasing to Him. And I pray ultimately that God guides your steps and your heart.
No one on this planet can fill the spot that you've made in my heart... that's a place that is yours and yours alone. And I don't know what I ever did to deserve such a blessing from God. But I'm so very grateful.
You're 4 years old and the time is ticking by so fast. You're no longer my "baby boy", but rather my "little boy". I'm equally excited to see you grow up and sad that you're growing up.
I'm rambling on, I know. I'm still astonished at the emotions I have for you and around the mere idea of you. I'm not sure how I could ever put all of those feelings into words, so I won't try anymore here.
Suffice it to say that you, son, are loved by me, your proud father, more than you could ever, ever know. Happy Birthday (belated.) :)
All my love forever and ever,
Daddy
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